


a belief system, in seven parts

by juliabaccari



Category: Ghost Quartet - Malloy
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-08
Updated: 2017-11-08
Packaged: 2019-01-31 00:42:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12664800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juliabaccari/pseuds/juliabaccari
Summary: rose believes in the restorative properties of the ocean, but the soldier can't understand believing in something you can't see. maybe that's why their love is so hard to believe in.





	a belief system, in seven parts

Rose believes in the ocean.

Soldier does not.

Soldier acknowledges it as it is: a body of water, salinated, containing multitudes of life and unexplored depths. She believes it exists.

Rose believes in so much more.

She believes that wading into the water just as the sun is setting can bring you a perfect sense of peace - just for a moment. That peace is a moment suspended between the day and night, existing out of time, a liminal pocket of escape. Until it’s night, and the spell breaks.

She believes that bathing in the ocean in the moonlight with someone you love can form an unbreakable bond between the two of you.

She believes burying your toes in the wet sand can bury some of the darkness inside of you, too, and that it will stay there until the earth is overturned by the tide.

She believes that giving yourself over to the sea and floating in the waves under a cloudless sky will save your soul.

Will restore your soul.

She has to believe this; she’s been looking for so long. (and the ocean has to be good - it has to be good and safe or she - or she hurt the baby — did she really hurt her starchild? but that was in another life, that was another rose)

She hasn’t been looking for honey.

Not really.

(she looks for herself?

for her sister?

her mother, her little girl?

her lover, this time around)

But when she asks Soldier to come to the ocean with her, Soldier refuses.

It’s a long way away, a day’s drive.

Soldier doesn’t see the point.

She never does.

\---

Rose invites the Soldier to breakfast, but only once.

She believes that if they share a meal together, they will grow closer.

She wants to grow closer.

She wants to look at Soldier over a cup of perfect coffee - milky but not sweet, in a wide-rimmed ceramic mug, the kind that needs to be slowly savored. She thinks all the rushing isn’t good for them. She disapproves of iced coffee in plastic cups and disposable straws, she disapproves of plastic lids that never fit quite right and the way the first sip always burns your mouth if you drink it on the go.

Rose wants to sit, and drink her coffee, and smile at something nice Soldier has said.

The Soldier rarely says anything very nice.

It’s not her fault, Rose knows that. 

If it’s anyone’s - it’s Rose’s fault. She’s the one who hurt Soldier.

Even if that hasn’t happened yet - or didn’t happen to them, in this life.

It always comes back to Rose.

So she asks Soldier to come to breakfast with her. She puts a hand on her shoulder and makes her request, lips at her lover’s ear. And Soldier rolls over in bed, away from the sunshine coming through the window and away from Rose. She pulls the covers over her head.

Rose doesn’t ask again.

—

Soldier doesn’t believe Rose loves her.

They will never be what Rose believes they should be. Intertwined. Living as one. Greater than the sum of their parts.

They are lovers, but they are still so estranged, living firmly in two different worlds. Two different bodies. They do not understand each other. 

Most of all, Rose believes in love. (or she did, she does, she did, she wants to still)

Most of all, Solider believes in nothing.

\---

There are days when Rose remembers being four different people all at once.

There are days when she is someone different,

When Soldier isn’t her lover

But her sister.

When Soldier isn’t Soldier at all,

But Pearl.

This is why she believes in the universe. In every little invisible micro connection, between all consciousness, that allows her to remember things that haven’t happened to her or haven’t happened yet.

Soldier thinks it’s bullshit.

That’s what she says - it’s bullshit.

There’s no science behind it.

There’s nothing to prove it.

Nothing you can see.

Maybe that’s why she doesn’t believe Rose loves her. Because it’s not something you can see.

\---

Rose loves doing the laundry. She loves clean clothes, freshly washed linens, the house smelling new and cleansed.

She thinks there’s nothing better than climbing into bed and wrapping her arms around Soldier, the sheets fresh and soft above them. Soldier is soft, too, softer than Rose would have thought considering she is like steel inside.

She thinks fresh linens are equal to a fresh start.

But Soldier wears the same shirt for three days,

She never even notices when Rose changes the sheets.

Soldier doesn’t believe in fresh starts.

Or maybe Pearl doesn’t?

It’s hard to tell.

Soldier always lets Rose hold her on laundry days, though.

\---

Rose brings in a bouquet of flowers and places them in a vase on the dining room table. Soldier just raises an eyebrow at her.

The days are getting shorter as winter falls, and they’re getting quieter, too, as their relationship begins to crumble. Soldier is more brittle, cold, disdainful. Rose is more sensitive, restless, impatient.

Rose tries to bring something bright back into their lives.

Soldier says she doesn’t like flowers.

She says - they rot and wither, they’re just dead things without their roots anyway, and the smell offends her nose. (but that’s not her, rose wants to protest, that’s another you)

Flowers aren’t beautiful, to Soldier.

Rose can’t help but take that a little personally.

\--

They have only days left, and both of them know it.

Soldier accompanies Rose to a small bookstore, a bit off the beaten path. Rose loves this store. It is owned by a tall, thin man with curly dark hair. He is kind and very quiet but always seems to know what book would suit her mood best. There is a dulcimer hanging on the wall; she has never seen him play it.

She holds Soldier’s hand. She likes it when people in public know Soldier is her lover.

Soldier doesn’t like her showing off.

But she allows her, today.

The shop owner mentions there are new books in the used section. As Rose is browsing, she spots a book about stars - she feels suddenly cold, and she looks to her lover -

Pearl is staring back at her. Her eyes, dark and haunted and so cruel -

No, not Pearl.

It’s Soldier. Just Soldier.

Soldier reaches for the book and picks it up before Rose can stop her.

She feels the rain on her arms. They’re inside; it’s not raining.

Rose is frozen as Soldier mentions the writing in the margins, a poem about a binary star. Rose feels like crying. She’s not sure why. 

Rose Red knows exactly why.

She asks her lover to put the book back, and they leave the store.

The owner doesn’t even look surprised.

—

The one thing they can agree on:

Rose doesn’t believe in ghosts.

At least, not in the traditional way.

She believes in the soul. She believes it exists beyond the body. She believes it’s undefinable.

Soldier talks about death like it’s final.

But Rose knows she doesn’t really believe that. Things never really die.

She knows Soldier remembers too, sometimes.

She saw her talking to a man on the street the other day - sandy-haired, bearded, button down shirt - and Soldier was angry.

Soldier never gets angry.

Rose didn’t ask about it. Soldier doesn’t like it when she spies.

Maybe she’ll ask the Astronomer, next time she sees him.

\---

In the end, Soldier is the one that gives up.

It was never going to be Rose.

She could have waited another lifetime for the honey. But fate is a tricky thing.

Soldier says she’s always know what Rose wanted. 

(she’s wrong. if she’d known that, none of them would be in this mess in the first place.)

She says she’s tired. She can’t take anymore of Rose’s smiles. The arch of her eyebrow. The feeling of her hand on Soldier’s waist.

Soldier says she’s impressed with how long Rose has pretended to love her, but she sounds hollow.

Rose has not been pretending.

(all she ever wants is to be close to her, but something always gets in the way, something always gets in the fucking way)

Soldier takes Rose out dancing. She kisses Rose’s cheek on the dance floor, and salty tears track down both of their faces. The salt on Rose’s tongue reminds her of the moonlight, and - the sea.

Suddenly she understands why Soldier never wanted to go there.

Too many memories.

Soldier asks for something Rose can’t give her: an ending.

Rose promises her it will be better next time

Or

It has been better, before 

Or

It is currently better and time is just a circle

They are a circle

Endlessly circling each other

Endlessly -

Soldier pulls a pot of honey from her bag.

Rose knows why.

Rose remembers.

She takes the honey.

She knows if she were to taste it, it would turn bitter on her tongue, just like the last kiss of her lover.

She doesn’t see Soldier again after that night.

At least, not as Soldier.

Maybe this Rose ceases to exist now, too. This part of the story is over. Pearl is gone.

In a way, they are the binary star.

She’s not sure they can keep going without one another.

She’s not sure their souls are really separate at all.

She’s not sure this story has an end.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know if there is a reader base for this but I got the urge and...here it is.


End file.
